i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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