I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Randomize
