I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
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In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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