i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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