apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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