I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
