nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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