Apparently you make a good broom.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
