Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
