What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
