The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
