This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i drank out of a bidet.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
