The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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