When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Randomize
