its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
