i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
