he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
