garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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