What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
