after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
