Can i not drive my cunt home
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
