at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My pussy is not your playground.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
