my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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