I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
