hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
