I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
