Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
