I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I wish there were birth control emojis
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
