I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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