$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
