yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
