Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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