When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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