wanna go halves on a baby?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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