You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
