Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
