In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
