The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
