No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you had me at cake vodka
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
