My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just gift wrapped bread.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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