Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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