time to smoke my breakfast
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
