im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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