I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
