just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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