we made out on top of his cat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
