I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
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Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
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Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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