The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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