So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
