My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
