My sheets look like a crime scene.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
