I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
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He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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