im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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