No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Text me some of your sweat
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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