things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
