i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
