I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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