thus making me awesome and them whores
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
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Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
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After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
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