She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
