he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
someone owes me an orgasm
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
