God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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